Hey folks its ya man, The Big Bad Black Man aka Cheif Akqui aka The Booty Bandit. Today is the first installment (of many, believe me) of the Crazy Bitch Chronicles: a collection of stories involving the crazy women God almighty seems to point my way. Maybe he likes the laughs. Any who, today's story involves this girl I was dating a few years back. For the simple fact I aint tryna to get sued, all names shall be changed for the innocent. Or crazy.
Tela was a very nice girl. She met all the requirements for me to be with her: Ok for fun lets review the list which is compiled by my good friends who have noticed a pattern in the woman I date
1) Thick (check!)
2) Tig Ol Bitties (check!)
3) Can cook (check!)
4) Family issues (check!)
5) Obsessive (check!)
6) Bat shit insane (triple check!)
So yea Im a crazy bitch magnet. Anyways, Tela and I were chillin at the crib and shit nah mean. All of sudden she gets a call from her grandma concerning some kinda test she took at the doctors a few weeks back. I didnt really hear the convo like that, but something prompted Tela to get up and try to kill herself. For several hours. NON STOP. She started grabbed kitchen knives and tried hanging herself with my belts and shit. Im guessing your asking why such a delayed response into stopping her. Well folks, I was a rookie dealing with crazy bitches at the time. I was too concern on wondering why she was doing all this all of sudden. I was putting logic into the equation. But see with crazy bitches, there is no logic. There really isnt a equation. Its kinda like the Matrix with all the numbers streaming down in totally nonsensical order. So right, Im stopping her from killing herself and then she does a play action fake on me and pretends to calm down. This is where the title comes in folks. When I turn my back, this bitch goes and tries to drink my VERY EXPENSIVE ass bottle of brand new Tide. FUCK IS ON YA MIND SON!!!?!?!?!? You know how much that shit cost? $20! And you wanna turn it into a death milk shake. And what made her think that the Tide would kill her? Like for real, why did I even date this broad? Maybe I took some Tide myself. I was livid son. I had socks to wash and shit and under shirts and shit. Tide is the shit nah mean. Gets all my shits nice and white and crispy nah mean. That off brand shit makes my shirts feel like I got a cardboard vest on and shit. Bitch wanna use my Tide. Why not go for the bottle of Joy on my sink. Thats only $1.99 you gold digger! Bitches stay going for ya pockets ya heard? Anyways After I slapped the Tide out her hand and calmed her down, her Grandmoms comes through a takes her home. She even gave me $20 for some new Tide cuz she knew what the deal was. And you know whats even crazier than that shit? I dated her for another I dunno, 3 YEARS after that. Yea fuck was on my mind son? Anyways, that ends this edition of Crazy Bitch Chronicles, see you next time where I talk about the time where this same crazy bitch came at me with a spork because I used up all the ink in her printer.
Yea...
wtf.......... lmao
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