The Big Bad Black Man's Celebrity Beefs Vol 1: Ciara

Hey folks, its ya man, The Big Bad Black Man aka Chuck Claps Jr aka Fuck Who You Are Son. Today is the first installment (of many believe me. yea I got ALOT of stories) The Big Bad Black Man's Celebrity Beefs. My first ever beef with a celeb aka meaning I actually engaged with the celeb in person, just not on some, yo I see him/her on tv and I curse at my 40 LED LCD TV (dont hate son), is Ciara aka Ci Ci but better known ass Calvin aka Cool Cool Cal. She is a fucking lair. And this is why:

1) That bitch aint got no goodies. She mad skinny. I dont hate on skinny chicks but she aint got no curves son. She straighter cardboard status. I bet if she rocked leggings, they would sag of her non-having ass. She look like she is a triple extra small in shirts. How are you a size -6 in pants son. Come on b. How you rocking baggy leggings?

2) She a man. I know yall heard me talk about this before but this is for my new fans and shit. Word on the street (and normally the word on the street is the most truthful and reliable source of info you can find) she was born... to um how can we say, play for both teams you feel me? Its just that her parents really wanted her to be a girl and so they snipped. But you cant fool me b. I see the stache son. I see ya extra muscular hands and all that. I never seen Ciara with her nails done. Why? She be bench pressing Hondas thats why. She be putting all these rappers in a head lock for features. Why you think her and 50 get along. Because she is a perfect gym partner. She can spot you on the weights and shit. I asked around ya old hood and cats were they are real proud of you Calvin. Yea, I know ya real name son. Cats called you Cool Cool Cal around ya way. You cant fool me son. And them size 23 size heels. How you and Shaq shop at the same store son? You wylin b!


So why am I so against Ci Ci here? Because when she came through my area (cuz you know I do the airport security thing thing thingy ya smell me) and she was mad because I told her to take off them UGG boots yall females be rocking. Now look, it think it was like spring time and them shits is sheep skin fur on the inside. I know her feet felt like they were in tanning bed. She was like "are you for real. I dont have any socks on". I give her that does it look like I give a fuck look. You know what Im talking about

Yea that look. Bitch I dont care about ya foot wear issues. Shoes off son! So she got mad and took off her boots, and she was right, I should have told her to keep em on cuz her feet with crusty. Like they used her feet for demolitions. Breaking bricks with all the ash and sediments of concrete stuck to the back of ya feet girl. You suppose be getting money. People with money feet dont looked like it they borrowed another person foot. She was black but her feet where Dominican or something. So yea she came through and her body guard was giving me the grill. Like I was scared of something. Yea ok duke. Anyways ever since then, its been war with Calvin. I havent seen her since but she know the deal son. She flys through JFK or Nasa before she come see me.

So yea folks, in conclusion when you see Ciara throw some lotion at her from her ash tone feet ya feel me. Help her/him or whatever it is out. On the next installment of The Big Bad Black Man's Celebrity Beefs Vol 2: How Nee-yo almost lost his life at Delta. Word my dude Six Duece.  
















But for real though, I have you seen her feet? She gotta be rocking a size 45 shoe. Her feet are mad long. Like she got natural skiis and shit. Like she can go barefoot on the slopes and be on some winter X games shit. And her man-hands. Wasnt she on Oprah with the documents but they took that show off the air. I seen it Ciara. Cant fool me b.

The Big Bad Black Man's Joint Of The Day:Nas - One On One

Just listen to the first verse. Thats all you need to do to know this joint is ILL. Off that Street Fighter soundtrack (the only good thing from that movie AT ALL). Just enjoy. Dont think about that movie. PLEASE!!!!!!

The Big Bad Black Man's Crazy Bitch Chronicles: Turn The Tide

Hey folks its ya man, The Big Bad Black Man aka Cheif Akqui aka The Booty Bandit. Today is the first installment (of many, believe me) of the Crazy Bitch Chronicles: a collection of stories involving the crazy women God almighty seems to point my way. Maybe he likes the laughs. Any who, today's story involves this girl I was dating a few years back. For the simple fact I aint tryna to get sued, all names shall be changed for the innocent. Or crazy.

Tela was a very nice girl. She met all the requirements for me to be with her: Ok for fun lets review the list which is compiled by my good friends who have noticed a pattern in the woman I date

1) Thick (check!)

2) Tig Ol Bitties (check!)

3) Can cook (check!)

4) Family issues (check!)

5) Obsessive (check!)

6) Bat shit insane (triple check!)

So yea Im a crazy bitch magnet. Anyways, Tela and I were chillin at the crib and shit nah mean. All of sudden she gets a call from her grandma concerning some kinda test she took at the doctors a few weeks back. I didnt really hear the convo like that, but something prompted Tela to get up and try to kill herself. For several hours. NON STOP. She started grabbed kitchen knives and tried hanging herself with my belts and shit. Im guessing your asking why such a delayed response into stopping her. Well folks, I was a rookie dealing with crazy bitches at the time. I was too concern on wondering why she was doing all this all of sudden. I was putting logic into the equation. But see with crazy bitches, there is no logic. There really isnt a equation. Its kinda like the Matrix with all the numbers streaming down in totally nonsensical order. So right, Im stopping her from killing herself and then she does a play action fake on me and pretends to calm down. This is where the title comes in folks. When I turn my back, this bitch goes and tries to drink my VERY EXPENSIVE ass bottle of brand new Tide. FUCK IS ON YA MIND SON!!!?!?!?!?  You know how much that shit cost? $20! And you wanna turn it into a death milk shake. And what made her think that the Tide would kill her? Like for real, why did I even date this broad? Maybe I took some Tide myself. I was livid son. I had socks to wash and shit and under shirts and shit. Tide is the shit nah mean. Gets all my shits nice and white and crispy nah mean. That off brand shit makes my shirts feel like I got a cardboard vest on and shit. Bitch wanna use my Tide. Why not go for the bottle of Joy on my sink. Thats only $1.99 you gold digger! Bitches stay going for ya pockets ya heard? Anyways After I slapped the Tide out her hand and calmed her down, her Grandmoms comes through a takes her home. She even gave me $20 for some new Tide cuz she knew what the deal was. And you know whats even crazier than that shit? I dated her for another I dunno, 3 YEARS after that. Yea fuck was on my mind son? Anyways, that ends this edition of Crazy Bitch Chronicles, see you next time where I talk about the time where this same crazy bitch came at me with a spork because I used up all the ink in her printer. 


Yea...

The Big Bad Black Man's Joint Of The Day: Das EFX - Real Hip Hop

Everyday I shall post a random joint of the day. Today we got a very very underrated Hip-Hop duo in Das EFX. They were best known for their infamous "diggety riggety" nonsensical gibberish which they interject in their lyrics (but it never got annoying though). This particular joint is one of my all time fav joints. Enjoy!

Raccoon gets slapped by cat

If you can't laugh at this, God, you need a sense of humor. Cats are like very meh creatures. As long as you dont bother them, they wont bother you. All the cat cared about was the food. Thats why he let the homie raccoon drink all he wanted. Once the greedy ass raccoon took a sniff of the food, my man cat was like "ayo son.... *SMACK* the fuck I told you son! The water is over there." and the look on the cat's face was like I wish a nigga would. Priceless is the look of hurt and sonnage on the raccoon's face. He didnt even fight. Just took his L and kept it moving. Animals ARE just like people. AHAHAHAHHAHA!!

Damn. I cant cop bootleg any more?

Yo Bloomy, CAN I LIVE? Cant I go to down to Canal St, and cop my wifey (or jump off) the new bootleg Louie bag? You know how much that shit cost? $1400 for her to like me? FUCK OUTTA HERE SON!

Ok Im venting but this is a serious matter. Over the last decade, Bloomberg at the behest of the high end retailers (mostly nike to be honest) have put the squeeze on the very popular bootleg trade all over NYC. Bootlegs have been on the rise since the late 90s. Everyone has brought a bootleg cd or dvd or VHS in their life times. Shit I dont even need to go out and find it, the movies, mixtapes and albums are one click away (you gotta find that out yaself. NO SNITCHING!). It got to the point where the Box Office and the music industry set forth the dogs of war: their lawyers. Several cases have been reported of people like you and me being sued for MILLIONS because Limewire had the new DJ Clue. But that didnt stop the bit torrents from evolving. So now, the attention has turn onto the retail business.


Back in 2007, there was a place in Manhattan we in the know called the spot. The spot was heaven for a person getting fly on a budget. They had three floors: the bottom was for the kids and females. I didnt really stop there. the top had sneakers, boots and coats. I was up there sometimes but it was hard to tell if they were bootleg or not (I support bootleg bags but not kicks. Shut up!). The middle floor is where it was at. They had 2 for 20 jeans (rocawear, levi's, LRG,) and they had $50 "high end" brands (bape, BBC, red monkey, evisu). Me and my homies racked up! It was a beautiful 7 months. My wardrobe was poppin and I had money for lunch afterwards. Then one sad day, I got a call from my homie. He said they shut it down. Im like NO NOT THE SPOT SON! I head down to the city and saw the legal tape with my own two eyes. Bloomy and gang shut down the spot son. I cried (pause).


It got real. Ever since then, Bloomy has been on a city wide shut down on all popular bootleg centers. In Queens they caught another good spot which had over $4 million worth of bootleg clothes and kicks. Shit really hit the preverbal fan when they shut down Canal St's infamous Bootleg Triangle. If you know someone who was broke and then all of sudden had the new Coach, Gucci or Louie, most likely, she went to the triangle and hit one of those Africans or my Chinese man for that.

So now today, this Council Woman, Margret Chin wants to take it to another level. She is currently in the process of trying to pass a law that would arrest and fine anyone who is caught copping bootlegs. Violators could be fined $1000 and face a year in jail. FUCK IS ON YA MIND SON!?!?!? A year for copping that bootleg Louie? Word b? Right now the bill has alot of co-sponsors and can take effect as early as the end of the week. If so, there shall be "numerous" signs posted, warning folks not to hit up my Africans. A lot folks on the street find this new law unfair and totally wrong. How can someone who isnt aware of Louie, tell the difference? Why not attack the suppliers who ship their, bootleg goods from China, Mexico and Korea? Why attack the everyday man like me who trying to impress these hoes out here?

In closing I will leave you with a story:

I was dating this one girl who was into copping the real Louie and Gucci but she worked for meager baubles at Toys R Us. One day I came by to visit and she was telling me how she was only one check away from buying this $700 bag. Not too far away, a mother and daughter (yea they were white) had the exact bag she was saving for. So they walk by us and my girl said "hey soon I will afford that bag". The mother turned and replied "you cant afford $25? I got this from Canal St downtown girl! HEHEHEHE"

See folks... bootlegs arent that bad. Peace

The Big Bad Black Man Speaks

Sup world? Its ya man, The UrbanMiracle aka The Big Bad Black Man aka GI BRO aka Chuck Claps Jr. People having been suggesting I join the.. whats the term? Ah yea, "blogsphere" or however you spell that shit. On some real, I thought it was some corny type shit nah mean? Like I used to type my lil funny ass stories (all true by the way) about my job and my dealings with these corny celebs (Yo Ciara, wait till I see you in the streets son!) and people would comment and laugh but I never really took it that seriously. I really dont take much of this planet seriously. Maybe its to a fault. I dunno, but sometimes I do have these I guess notions in my brain and I feel I must share with my fellow mankind. Cuz, this world will have you fucked up. Money, school, females.. all designed to fuck you up. Im not bias, from time to time I will look out for the females because, you know, Urban got love for the females and I like helping everyone. But you know, you females got R&B music to help yall out. Men, we got you know, well, maybe the barbershop. Anyways things to look for when you read my post

1) Music. Im a producer (but who isnt now in these times?) and Im heavy into the underground scene. I got my own radio show poppin off (ONBLASTRADIO!) and it has its own blog (ONBLASTRADIO.COM) in which I post news, vids, and FREE (yea I know you gonna check it out now) downloads. Its on Mondays: 6pm est, Wednesdays: 11pm est and Fridays: 6pm est.  Shout out to my girl Vida Starr who I love very much for helping with it. She got her own show(On Blast With Vida Starr) which is a spin off poppin every Thursday at 11pm est (8pst) If you got hot tracks or you think you nice, send ya joints to my email URBANMIRACLE@GMAIL.COM and we will play em. We also do live interviews so hit up the email for details on that.  As such, I will be spewing out my opinion on the rap game as it is (its pretty trash actually) from time to time. I dont hate, I just comment. I'll probably post some music and videos on here too.

2) Females. Im not a heart throb by any means, but I do have my share experiences with the ladies. And most of em, have been lets just say, not so romantic comedy with happy smiles at the end. More like action thriller with therapy sessions provided when the movie is over. Not to say all females are bad, just crazy. Absolutely crazy. Not crazy like bad omg she is a danger to society crazy but, each female has their own unique shade of crazy to em. And our jobs as men are to see if we can deal with it. Ive made the mistake of trying to CURE the crazy to no avail. Also it helps to have alot of patience. Me, not much bothers me. It takes alot to get under my skin. So people tend to think nothing really bothers me. Hmmm it does but I dont show it. I dont get mad. I just get by. I love yall females do. Im here to help yall!

3) Sneakers. Im a sneaker head. Way before it was cool. Now everyone is a "sneaker head" talking about OG Jordans before they were sperm. The game is fucked up with these diva ass niggas. Kicks are created to be worn. I rock my shits. I just keep em clean. Buy what I like and keep it moving.

4) The Man. And no I dont mean the white man. Even though sometimes he can be the devil. But niggas be fucking shit up too. A lot actually. The Man in itself, it just the simplification of a class of people who, with untold wealth and power, control the masses (we) into staying where we are. I know what you gonna say, "But Big Bad Black Man, Obama is president. And you can be anything you wanna be." BLAH BLAH. Fact is, The Man wants to think that. Obama is a puppet but thats for another post. The Man got us attach to hip, to his/her wealth. The fact that we go to great lengths (sell drugs, rap, play ball and other nigga-ish antics) to attain it the seemingly "easy way" proves this point. I love to do music. The point of I dont really care about fame. But if I was better at math or really into my nerdyness, I would probably a astronomer. And I should go for it. Because contrary to belief, they get pussy too.

5) Family. Because with out them, who would provide the countless stories of crazy family tenderness. Naw, my family is cool as shit. I love my pops. He infamous for coining the term "stumblebums" which is slowly but surely joining the hood lexicon. My brother, well he deserves his own blog. And my sis, she needs another blog too. But Im lazy so Ima jumble them on this one.

There is more stuff but you know, you probably read enough. Anyways I wish to thank anyone who comes across this blog and find it informative and entertaining. Any comments, leave em. Much love to the real folks out there doing real things.